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The God Code

California - Nile Prichard, MIT Professor, was admitted to hospital last night after running a program he wrote that took 30-years to complete.

It all began in 1982 when Nile began suffering from severe depression. "He began writing a program that he believed would tell him whether God really did exist; it was called The God Code. It was a complex program that took over 30-years to complete," says Beverly Prichard, mother of Nile. "He wanted to end his life, but was frightened. He figured he'd write this program and see what waited for him on the other side."

Friends say that after completing the program he input the entire Bible. The answer he got was Does Not Compute. In desperation Nile then typed into the computer the entire Koran. The answer was LOL!

The next day Beverly found Nile in a foetal position at the bottom of the pool. She rescued him just in time.

Nile begins writing his program "The God Code" in 1982.

Tooth Fairy Home Invasions

The Tooth Fairy prepares another home invasion.

In a move that has stunned parents across the world, the CIA has recently added the Tooth Fairy to its Most Wanted list. Peter Moore, former CIA operative, explains, "Times are tough around the world. Everyone wants your dollar. Except for the wings, the Tooth Fairy is pretty much like us, and he's finding it tough to make a living these days. Add to the the fact that dental hygiene is at a historical high and it doesn't take a genius to work out that the Tooth Fairy is having trouble peddling teeth these days."

Just last week a family in Sydney's Eastern Suburbs were held at gunpoint and teeth stolen. Nicole Coby, mother of 4-year old Joshua Coby had this to say, "We had just brushed Joshua's teeth and were ready to tuck him into bed when the front door was smashed open. I remember seeing an explosion of glitter and then a little black boy with cute fairy wings walked in. It was obviously the Tooth Fairy. At first, we were excited, but then I saw the AK-47. The Tooth Fairy knocked my husbands teeth out with the butt of his assault rifle and scooped them into small pouch. I managed to save Joshua by hiding him in the freezer. I was lucky; the Tooth Fairy took flight when we heard sirens outside our house. I heard gun fire, a lot of screaming and then it all went quiet. I found two police officers laying in a pool of blood on our front lawn. Their teeth were missing."

Elisa James claims the Tooth Fairy punched
her in the face while she lay in bed.

Coolio Stephanidis says he was lifted into the air
and dropped 15-meters onto busy highway.
He woke up in hospital toothless.

Iran Develops Exploding Midgets

Tel Aviv - Iran has been accused today of breeding explosive midgets. Israel is calling for Iran to  hand over all midgets by the the end of the week.

Aaron Grepschlach, the head of the Israeli's spy agency said today, "We recently captured an Iranian explosive midget and have been studying it over the last few days. Unfortunately, the midget exploded, killing five of our top scientists."

It appears as though Iran have infused DNA from a Pakistani midget with a highly volatile explosive composition. It is not certain how the midgets are produced; whether they are bred from midget women or cloned, but Aaron Grepschlach is claiming that this threat is far beyond Iran's nuclear project. "If these midget are realeased on Jewish soil, then, who knows what the damage could be. These midgets are capable of crawling into air ducts, under public toilet doors and could probably even ride domestic dogs. They are incredibly difficult to shoot and some may even find them adorable. The reality is, these things can explode on will!"

An Iranian soldier prepares to throw a midget like a Molotov Cocktail

Peace Loving

Outlaw Bikers Prepare for War

Gold Coast, Australia - Two rival biker gangs, The Burritos and the Hell's Gazelles are preparing for war over a missing brain cell.

The leader of The Burritos, Phillip "Diet-Pepsi" Coleman said, "I was surfing Google for a new tattoo to put on my face when the lights in the house dimmed and the internet slowed down. It was then that I realised my brain cell was missing."

Police release a picture of the missing brain cell to the public.

But leader of the Hell's Gazelles, Michael "Neck Tattoo" Derwent, claims differently, "The brain cell is mine. It has been passed along in my family for generations. The Burritos just want the upper hand, and they know that a brain cell will help them immensely."

Police are warning the public to steer clear of outlaw biker members.

Phillip "Diet Pepsi" Coleman

Breaking News: Bin Laden Still Alive

A US led investigation has confirmed that Osama Bin Laden is still alive. In fact, there may be more than 1,500 Bin Ladens hiding around the globe.

Mahmout Humbali, a captured Taliban fighter, lived with Osama Bin Laden in a cave for over three-years. The CIA interrogated Mr. Humbali using classified techniques, involving a telephone book, baton, electric wires, a car battery and a doberman-pincher.

Mr. Humbali spoke to us from his cell in Guantanamo Bay prison, “Osama had a lot of money from supporters around the world. He paid German scientists to make clones of himself. At first, it was pretty cool. He even let me make a clone of myself, but I was killed by an F-18 while milking a goat outside the cave. We past the time by making the Bin Laden clones cage-fight to the death, or, we would involve them in plays. The Sound of Music was my favourite.”

The CIA display one of Osama's clone capsules.

The CIA claim to have captured over 50 Bin Ladens and have killed another 30 or so. The latest was captured in Ohio and employed as a circus clown, another a flight attendant.

Mr. Humbali went on to say, “Osama Bin Laden, after a while, had over 30 copies of himself. These copies began to copy themselves as well, so, we ended up with hundreds and hundreds of Bin Ladens. In the end, no one knew who the original Bin Laden was. They all claimed to be him, and, in a way, they were. One day, there was a massive brawl. Many Bin Ladens died. After this the remaining replicas left the cave and went their own way.”

Christians

Breaking News: God Reveals Himself

SUPER-SHOCK!

Muslim Female Sings For Peace

Palestine - On Monday morning, Israeli soldiers were greeted by a Palestinian woman performing Michael Jackson's Thriller on a pile of rubble that moments before was her home. "It was crazy. We had just levelled a block of houses with Hellfire missiles and were approaching the rubble," explained Sergeant Goldberg. "At first I thought I heard somebody singing, then, as we approached, this woman sprang onto a mound of rubble and began singing at the top of her lungs. She sprang up so quickly my heart skipped a beat and one of my officers nearly shot her dead".

We located the singing woman in a back alley not far from where her home smouldered, practising her moon walk. Her name is Abdul-la Mansour and she had this to say, "I am not so good for cooking, or, sexual activities - especially with my mouth - but, one thing for sure is my beautiful voice and my dance performance. I wish to finish this war... my way. If I can bring a small sunshine ray into the hearts of these evil, brutish, smelly and non-human beasts, then maybe we can finally see peace."

" I-iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii've had the time of my liiiiiiiiiiiiiiife
No I never felt this way before,
Yes I swear, it's the truuuuuuth
And I owe it aaaall to you,
'Cause I've had, the tiiiiiiiiiiiime of my liiiiiiiiiiife
And I've searched through every open door
'Til I found, the truuuuuuuth
And I owe it all to you..."

Iranian President Claims Nuclear Studies Are For Good

Iranian president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, announced at the United Nations today that his country's nuclear development is only for good and that Iran would never use nuclear capabilities for evil.

"The world seems to think that we are developing nuclear weapons for sinister reasons. This could not be further from the truth. All we want to do is annihilate Israel and every last Jew on the planet," he said today.

Above: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today

The Holy Bible

*** SPOILER: Jesus Dies.

Supes & Bats