The Holy Bible

*** SPOILER: Jesus Dies.

Jesus Also Taught His Disciples Guerrilla Warfare

Archaeologists have stumbled across evidence that Jesus may have conducted raiding parties and ambushes on the Roman legion.

Neville Lootley claims to have discovered ancient scrolls in an underground cave three kilometres from Jerusalem. "We had been digging for months when we broke through into the old cave. I walked over to a stone bench and found a dozen ancient scrolls. In my head, I was playing the theme song to Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. I opened one of the scrolls up and quite dramatically blew some dust off it. It was then that I was shocked and awed. On it I saw the lord, Jesus, training his disciples in ambush techniques using ninja stars. I sounds strange, but it makes a whole lot of sense when you consider the Romans were arse-holes at the time.

Jesus hides in a field waiting to spring his attack.

"We haven't deciphered all the scrolls yet," Neville went on to say, "but so far we have learnt that Jesus was ruthless on the field. He was known to fall into a frenzy, or, blood lust during his missions which earned him the nickname The Annihilator. Of course, the disciples never said this to his face. They were scared for their lives."

It is possible the over 50,000 Roman soldiers died from Jesus's raiding parties.

This is what it may have looked like when Jesus was on a blood frenzy.

Amongst the scrolls, Neville has discovered an interesting excerpt written by Apostle Thomas, which reads;

We are scared. We are all scared. No one wants to be part of Christ's gang, but we're afraid of the ramifications if we leave. On raiding parties he becomes crazy, smashing skulls, tearing flesh with his teeth and pulling beating hearts from live soldiers. All we want to do is lead peaceful lives, but how can we? Just yesterday I was forced to decapitate a soldier. It was horrible, but I had no choice. Jesus was staring at me; just standing there, staring at me with blood bubbling from his mouth.

Jesus rains down fire bombs on unsuspecting soldiers.

Caution: Jesus Crossing

Jesus Possibly a Raptor

Some in the scientific community believe that they have unearthed evidence that Jesus was in fact a raptor. Walter Haussermann, professor of the University of Berlin claims that Jesus was part dinosaur, "We are excited by this news, because, for the first time, we are able to settle old disputes with the church and combine our beliefs into one unifying ideal! Now, evolution and the church can put aside their differences and work together!"

But some reject this evidence as outlandish, believing that the mix up is due to earlier evidence suggesting that Jesus bred raptors. "Ancient scrolls describe Jesus as an avid raptor breeder. He had great success in breeding raptors and training them to do all sorts of tricks, like fetch sticks, shake hands and balance on balls. Prior to raptors, Jesus dabbled in breeding triceratops, however, this ended disastrously when his favourite triceratops, George, destroyed the tower of Babylon," says Ivan Kaliski, a modern day Evangelist.

Left: An artist's impression of Jesus breast feeding