Breaking News: Bin Laden Still Alive

A US led investigation has confirmed that Osama Bin Laden is still alive. In fact, there may be more than 1,500 Bin Ladens hiding around the globe.

Mahmout Humbali, a captured Taliban fighter, lived with Osama Bin Laden in a cave for over three-years. The CIA interrogated Mr. Humbali using classified techniques, involving a telephone book, baton, electric wires, a car battery and a doberman-pincher.

Mr. Humbali spoke to us from his cell in Guantanamo Bay prison, “Osama had a lot of money from supporters around the world. He paid German scientists to make clones of himself. At first, it was pretty cool. He even let me make a clone of myself, but I was killed by an F-18 while milking a goat outside the cave. We past the time by making the Bin Laden clones cage-fight to the death, or, we would involve them in plays. The Sound of Music was my favourite.”

The CIA display one of Osama's clone capsules.

The CIA claim to have captured over 50 Bin Ladens and have killed another 30 or so. The latest was captured in Ohio and employed as a circus clown, another a flight attendant.

Mr. Humbali went on to say, “Osama Bin Laden, after a while, had over 30 copies of himself. These copies began to copy themselves as well, so, we ended up with hundreds and hundreds of Bin Ladens. In the end, no one knew who the original Bin Laden was. They all claimed to be him, and, in a way, they were. One day, there was a massive brawl. Many Bin Ladens died. After this the remaining replicas left the cave and went their own way.”

Jesus Possibly a Raptor

Some in the scientific community believe that they have unearthed evidence that Jesus was in fact a raptor. Walter Haussermann, professor of the University of Berlin claims that Jesus was part dinosaur, "We are excited by this news, because, for the first time, we are able to settle old disputes with the church and combine our beliefs into one unifying ideal! Now, evolution and the church can put aside their differences and work together!"

But some reject this evidence as outlandish, believing that the mix up is due to earlier evidence suggesting that Jesus bred raptors. "Ancient scrolls describe Jesus as an avid raptor breeder. He had great success in breeding raptors and training them to do all sorts of tricks, like fetch sticks, shake hands and balance on balls. Prior to raptors, Jesus dabbled in breeding triceratops, however, this ended disastrously when his favourite triceratops, George, destroyed the tower of Babylon," says Ivan Kaliski, a modern day Evangelist.

Left: An artist's impression of Jesus breast feeding